As if I was feeling betrayed all the time or something, until someone made me realized one thing, I am not happy anymore.
But why does it hurt? Do I miss the person really? or do I miss the habit of talking to someone when I'm at home? I think I'll take the second one as the answer.
I have lied a lot about everything, missed everything that needs to be said and done. I could see the future in my dream..just in my dreams. but suddenly it hits me. She will never change. she said sorry bluntly but never did make any changes at all.
I can go on with my life, just like the old times. I have experienced a lot pain than this. I just missed the fact that somehow, someone made me laugh, cry and share all my negatives.
She knew me too well. That's why it's hard to regain my original me...not someone I pretended for the past year.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
lies
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
something new.
i was shocked by the news i heard and wasn't really on my senses while taking a jeep going home. i was like betrayed by someone i trusted. again, trust is very common to me. i didn't care about the heat of the sun that made me perspire underneath. i just want to go home.
kanina, i was starving, after the walang kamatayang take out chicken meal from Jollibee on my first break, i was thinking of eating again.. then finding some time to realize that I need to lose weight, but then again, I was on the start line of depression, I wasn't feeling any hunger at all.
I rode a tricycle thinking about the endless years of working with different companies around, spending months, years and my life with people addicted to taking calls and making sure that numbers are achieved. It stopped when someone said, "Para po sa tabi." Bumaba na rin ako.
I went inside Ministop and headed towards one direction. I need to drink. I grabbed a bottle of Red Horse, still thinking how many bottles should I get. I can drink 5 bottles of 500ml amber colored-bottled drink yet, wala akong yelo sa bahay, so I just grabbed one and bought a pack of cigarettes. NO LUNCH.
I went inside my crib. It's the same old dirty place with my jackets and laptop bags on my blue couch, dirty laundry on the table and my resting haven. I opened my laptop as I lit one cigarette and puffed until I lit another cigs til I got 3 sticks at a time. I opened my favorite drink.
Then I saw honey went online. I couldn't talk anything about what had happened but then again I realized, whatever happens, she will be at my side all the time. Then my undeniably teary eyes just dropped. It contained depression, anger and emotions I couldn't control.
She was just there -- listening to my drama and didn't blame me at all. Then we realized we need to laugh. She made me smile. :)
I rallied by finishing off my beer and realized I got tired of crying, my chinky eyes went big this time.
And just when I thought that depression can kill me, honey gave me a better remedy that for the first time, we did it together. How? I don't really know. I will not give details of the kinky days (recorded: JANUARY 4-5, 2010) and like with other people say, start the new year with a bang! ;) o yeah baby, with a bang ;)).
It was a nice remedy than any medicine can give. I think Med will just make my day all the time :)
Monday, January 4, 2010
2010 resolution
I got a bad news from my boss that I befriended for months that maybe, maybe a reason on how to start my new year. I still had a day to think it over by not coming into work last night and spent it over at my crib. Have I thought of anything yet? uhhh. I am still hopeful. So I guess by getting a list of what to do and what needs to be done must be a start.
1. I will be filing a resignation when I came back from vacation. Hopefully before I do that, I already have found a better job that will not discriminate rights.
2. I will be fixing my finances. It is hard to move within a budget, thinking some bills and some responsibilities without anything on my pocket. But I need to start thinking how I could earn more than the usual. I am afraid of losing a lot this year, job, my crib, my almost broken phone, my internet connection..but I am still hopeful I can get a remedy for it.
3. I am anticipating of celebrating my birthday quietly. Like I said, I would need to think about some financial responsibilities first before thinking about myself more. And I hope by next month, everything will turn into normal.
4. I will be in Davao by vacation. I don't plan for any travel this year. But I don't think a travel to one destination isn't bad at all.
5. Amber will celebrate her 7th birthday this year, so I need to plan for her birthday. ;)
...end of the list. I have too many plans but I don't want to fill another 5 resolution without making sure that my top 5 list isn't achieved.
looking back
...and i didn't blog a lot last year. and was looking forward to blog more this year.
I just want to look back if something happened or something I missed last 2009 and make sure to fill it in this year.
1. I have 2 employers that I worked and been working. WEST and HSBC. had a normal working hours but not earning night differential ;) result: resigned.
2. travelled 3 times locally on the same province and 3 times abroad. what happened when you see part of the Bicolandia when you didn't see Mayon Volcano??? Geez!!!
3. I got an internet connection at my crib(yet, I didn't blog pa rin) which connects me to ex's and my future NEO :))
4. Well I found NEO this time. At the beginning of the year, I met her, however, for some reason, we broke up. --- got a lot of dates and flings and experiences that made me, I think... something nonesense. When I thought I met the right NEO, I tried to adjust...with the age differences, I think I am too smart to handle. At the last part of the year, I think I found NEO --- someone I found at the beginning of the year and ended up with her for the rest of my life. way too cool ;)
5. I found myself withdrawing from bank account to bank account and checking to see if I gained or not. RESULT: NOT. stocks went down and been crazy for months and at the end of the year, I was told that 500k is not something reachable at this time.
6. still forgetful. do I need to be reminded? I don't know. But some things I didnt remember anymore or I was just trying to forget na talaga.
7. was hospitalized by overreacting nurses at HSBC. I could work but they didnt allow me. went to Asian Hospital with Ces accompanying me. then got 2 approved rest days by the doctor and the fuckin HSBC gave me a memo when I got back to work. So humane huh!
8. 3 pay periods before the end of the year, I was getting an enormous tax deductions. I don't know how the suckers work but I need a better explanation for this. I think I need an attorney to fix it.
9. I have celebrated all saint's day with my family and christmas eve. Unfortunately, I wasnt able to join them this new year's eve. :(
10. I don't think I was productive last year. But I guess I need to think over and revise something for the next year...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
all behind us now
Hey, I'm so sorry
that it didn't work the way
that we'd always planned
Hey, I'm so sorry
that you went away
and somehow didn't understand
...
We pretended for so many years, but now
its time wash away my tears
CHORUS
CauseAnd it's all behind us now
cause we've learned to live somehow without
each other
And its easy to see, it ain't never
gonna be the same again
And its all behind us now
cause we found a way to live without
each other
And in time we'll have to see
If its ever gonna be that way again
ohh......
...
Hey, I'm so sorry
that I couldn't find the words
that might have made you stay
and hey, it's so funny
how we both can say the same thing in a
different way
...
We pretended for so many years,
but now its over baby
and so are my tears
repeat chorus
...
I was holdin' out for far too long
But now I finally found where I belong
finally, i didn't realize i can recover this fast.:) thank you for making me realize how important i am, i don't even deserve to be treated the way you do. :)
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Happy Baby 2009
Well, here's another baby contest in town.. which obviously, one of my closest family member is included.
Enfant's ad said: Vote for the Happiest Baby Ever!
And good thing about it is that, my niece has joined the contest. Well, of course, with the looks and all, he is a real winner.
if you think my niece is the best candidate (which is YES, wink wink), then click on THIS
